Space Rocket Launch — Places Never Been

Episode 1. Remdstadt, Florida
by Adam Centko

It was about 4 months ago that I walked out of a party at 4 am. Hammered and looking for my bike keys. The two of my friends Laimonas and Kipras (both Lithuanians) were having a heated discussion about the efficacy rates of the new vaccines. It was amidst their spacing out of the conversation that their eyes drifted towards the sky. Between all the seemingly static stars there was only darkness. But suddenly I hear them shout, Adam look, look! While I was still trying to locate my bicycle. When they kept shouting I finally turned around and saw them pointing their fingers towards the sky. There, a new dynamic constellation was being drawn, a line of stars moving across the night sky. We couldn’t believe our eyes as we stared at the train of lights, slowly fading behind the buildings. The ride home was full of confusion about what we just witnessed.

The next morning, Laimonas and his meticulous research informed us that the spectacle of last night was man-made. It was Elon Musk’s Starlink satellites in their calibration phase. This rational explanation came exactly as we were about to start making up mythological tales and engraving them into stone. I felt like I was a caveman trying to explain the rain, praying to the gods but then the weatherman walks in and it’s all just a greenscreen studio. Even though the phenomenon was explained, my fascination didn’t fade and I started doing my research. Eventually leading me to where I stand today Remstadt, Florida. The launch base of the new SpaceX rocket carrying more Starlink satellites into the low orbit of the Earth.

Getting here was a wild ride, there is only a handful of people selected from the public that get such a front-row seat to a rocket launch. I won mine in the ticket lottery on their website. To enter the areal of space rocket center you have to undergo various screening tests, and even though this is a private facility I swear I saw those men wearing black tuxedos with little transparent tubes going into their ears, deducting they can only be from the secret police. Going through the 4 checkpoints along the 20 kilometers of road that this facility accommodates your vehicle is strip-searched at each one of them. I wonder what they are worried about? These rockets often explode themselves without any terrorists even lifting their fingers. I guess a lot of money is at stake. I assume they are looking for explosives, sharp objects, guns and for some reason drugs. Are they preparing for an interdimensional drug trade? Which American president will be the first one to declare the war on the cartels of Mars?

After all the checkpoints a crowd starts to gather on the bleachers, some fans wearing SpaceX merchandise that can be purchased at the gift shop at the side of the bleachers. For some reason they also sell flamethrowers. Flamethrowers. After the 4 checks, you are going to sell me a flamethrower? Perhaps they didn’t want me to bring my own.

Amongst all the science and capitalism fans, there are some displays of very loyal political activists, people wearing Bernie 2016 t-shirts (which undoubtedly won’t go out of fashion in the socialist circles of America), some sporting the #BLM merchandise in a hope to get some airtime on the national TV, and there is even a flat earth fan club! But that one is rather hard to determine if they are serious or not. My favorite one is still the MAGA boys. Proudly sporting their red hats, supporting this South-African that came here to build an American legacy. Denying some scientific facts, like global warming but accepting others like the butane-ion propulsion mechanism of a rocket. Constructing a lullaby of reality, that just supports them driving their kids to school in a 20l/100km truck, that almost, just almost earns the adjective “monster” in front of it. I see that I am not the only one that was randomly selected for this launch.

Having stared into the crowd for a good hour and having a blast people-watching, I realized I came here for a different kind of blast and slowly shifted my attention towards the rocket, which looked like a huge branded dildo. I find it fascinating that at so many levels, the male genitalia is the key to space travel. At one level running on testosterone and at the other its butane-ion fuel.

The tensions among the crowd are getting higher, all the conspiracy blabbering around is lowering in volume as the big digital countdown clock strikes one minute, then 30 seconds, 20, and now we are all counting down. 9…8…7…6…5…4…3…2…1 “Happy New Year!” I scream at the top of my lungs, but luckily I am not the only one, the guys from the flat earth club scram with me, I feel a warm sense of belonging. Which is immediately obliterated by the shockwave coming from the rocket. There is fire sprouting from the bottom of it. This brings me back to the anatomy of the human body, if that is the case you should be going to a doctor, not the space. Attention back on the rocket, there is more fire and slowly a huge dust cloud starts to rise, covering the entire sight and the rocket disappears in it. I still hear the loud roaring of the engines, but see no rocket. Confusion arises among the crowd and chatter of a possible bad launch can be heard.

But then, a couple of seconds later, the glorious dildo launches at a great speed to penetrate the stratosphere layer of the planet. It is truly a great sight and I am glad I can share it with this wild bunch. Soon the rocket is out of sight, and after brief celebrations, the crowd disperses towards the exits, the unsold flamethrowers are now discounted.